I am obviously struggling to keep up with my blog - or write at all for that matter. Although writing is refreshing and life-giving for me, I cannot figure out how to incorporate it in to my life... Ironic?
Truth is, that's just the beginning of my long list entitled "important things I am neglecting." I still cannot wrap my brain or being around working full-time and being mom, wife, woman, friend, etc. without feeling guilty and honestly, failure-ish.
And although I love my job, it's a job. A lot of my hours are spent there... my happy, energetic hours. My confession is that I am holding onto values of motherhood, wifehood, general good womanhood that don't work out with my current lifestyle, and so I am constantly questioning my value and purpose. This is not based on truth and I know it, but it's my issue right now. And, no one else is holding this arbitrary standard up against me but myself.
My job is meaningful, I definitely know that in theory - but like anything that occasionally runs toward the routine, I question the value of my time, my investment.
"Then the righteous will answer him, Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink...
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"
On Friday I saw one of my second grade students for speech therapy who has had a rough go. His mom left when he was very young and has little to no contact with him or his brother by choice. She lives in another state. I haven't seen any parental representatives for this student at any school functions. He has some behavioral issues that are starting to rear their head.
The student I usually see along with him was absent, so he and I started our session with games working on his "TH" sound and then moving to working on clear articulation of 3-4 syllable words... My lessons this week were based on the wonderful book, How to Make an Apple Pie and see the World. Earlier in the week, he told me he had never tasted apple pie; so on Friday I was prepared.
I brought three kinds of apples for tasting and a small apple pie as well. A change came over that boy when I pulled them all out and began cutting into the apples. We talked about the apples, describing them, deciding which were our favorites, his eyes lit up and smiled at me the whole time - he loved all of them, granny smith, gala, red delicious - peel and all.
Then, I cut into the little, personal-size, store bought apple pie... He had a taste. "Is it ok if I have some more of dat?"
"I'll give you another piece. Well, you know what, you've already had lunch... you can finish it."
Great big smile - he decided he liked it.
I told him it was time to head back to class, and he stood up, looked me right in the eye, and said "well, thank you for everything."
"You're welcome, Buddy."
He walked halfway across the room toward the door and stopped, turned around... "Yeah, thanks, thank you for everything."
"You're welcome."
He is well-fed and loved by his busy dad. I think it was hunger, nonetheless that I had the sacred opportunity to fill and I feel blessed.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
3 comments:
Hi Kelly,
I can relate to how you feel on so many levels. I've been a working mom for some time now but having been a stay-at-home mom for so much longer I have always felt conflicted. Natalie's childhood was different from Katie's and Grace's but it has taken me long time to come to grips with the idea that different isn't necessarily bad; it's just different. Even as my children are grown; Natalie will be 21 tomorrow but still lives at home, I still sometimes second guess myself and my decision to work. I suppose it is in my nature to do so. I have many days like you described in this post at my school. Many days I know I am making a difference in a student's life or they in mine. I know it is where I am supposed to be for now. By doing what I do I am also teaching my grown daughters a little something about myself and life. By doing what I am doing God has prepared my heart to accept and love my new granddaughter, Samantha. We never know how God is going to use what we do but we do know that He does use it if we let Him. You, Kelly, are letting Him use you to His glory. It will make such a difference not only in your life but in the lives of your daughters. It just won't look the way it used to. And that's not bad it's just different. Love you, Aunt Sam
Sam, thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding - I'm trying to find the community within the group of women who are in this place, but I think most of us have no time...
We are excited about precious Samantha and praying for her protection and journey to her loving Mama, Grace. I am so thankful for the impact you are able to have on your amazing daughters through all of this.
Love you!
Yes, your life has changed a lot since you used that book in homeschooling, hasn't it? I have a feeling "Buddy" is going to remember that therapy session for years to come.
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