Where I am

I went for a "run" today, and it was good to run&think&pray again. I've been back in the mode of "just remember to breathe and put one foot in front of the other" while I run as I'm trying to creep my fitness level up... but for the first time in a long time, I broke through the barrier of straight survival and actually enjoyed myself.

While I ran, I thought about where I am right now: in a beautiful home that Greg and I are enjoying making our own, in a neighborhood with ponds and fountains and nature trails and a swimming pool all within walking distance, in a church I love with an acted upon vision for the broken, confused, poor, and other needs in our community, in a marriage to a man who has loved me completely and faithfully through this adventure so far and for whom I have a deep and ever-growing respect (and he's seriously hot), the mother of three beautiful girls, and in a new job that I couldn't have dreamed up...

And this is a gift, all of it. It was one of those "please don't let me forget this overwhelming sense of gratitude" moments. I have been in a much darker place this past year - a place of dim vision, deep discouragement, and muddled confusion. I have been carried nonetheless, and now I see clearly for a moment...

All That

You know how you come to that place (most of us do, anyway) called...
"Actually, I'm not ALL THAT" ?
My hope is that this is the place from which we can begin to grow into something.

I was thinking about this today as I drove 2 1/2 hours to meet Greg's parents who were bringing Emma and Grace back from a week spent with both sets of grandparents. I'm currently in a transition between jobs which is inherently offering some much needed emotional, spiritual, and mental margin. I've thoroughly enjoyed having a week to spend a little time on my neglected home, a little time to think, read, pray, and spend every available spare moment with my hubby. The girls are home now, and I feel refreshed like I haven't felt in a very long time, it seems. I am so thankful for my husband, our daughters, our home, our church... I am thankful to feel thankful.

I wrote the following journal entry on 11-9-09:

What am I doing, exactly?
Living what I am not or
What I can grow to be? -
Because they're the same thing,
Really.
And it all depends upon the angle
From which I squint at myself.

Re-reading this and pondering with hope in Another.

Day Off

Sitting on the porch in the shade,
I am sheltered from the harsh realities of the summer sun.
The morning breeze is almost cool- adding to the deception
That I eagerly embrace.

Softly tinkling chimes from a neighbor's porch join
The mild summer song of contented birds, no longer mate-hunting-
For now.

I am surrounded by flowers in pots that I should water.
A pair of scissors sits next to me, waiting to cut dead blossoms,
And just beyond them my daughter's vulnerable bike asks to be taken to the garage (something about rust and protection).

An overripe, warm mango rests next to my toes on the wicker coffee table, harboring secrets of daring escapes from plastic grocery bags, hiding out in a minivan-induced inferno,
And finally surrendering itself to whatever fate awaits...

And my day is full of possibilities.

-Kelly

It's good to write again.